There is alone and there is lonely.

Before I met my man I was worse than lonely. 

I was lonely in love. 

I would lie next to my boyfriend at the time and long for a deeper spiritual, emotional and sexual connection.  As relationship dynamics seem to work, the more I expressed my needs, the more he shut down. Eventually we grew weary of the same old fight.  We retreated to our corners of the ring and carried on in a kind, but distant limbo.

Over the next year, I shifted my energy away from the boy and directed it towards meditation, yoga and writing. In the process I tapped into something deep, sensual and nurturing.  I ended up having a love affair with myself.

When my man showed up at my studio and swept me off my yoga mat, I was over the moon. I had finally found a sexy, passionate, committed man.

But then I started to realize that I wasn’t the only object of his lust, passion and commitment.  I had some major competition in the form of a femme- fatale beauty called the California Salmon River.

Our first spring together, he couldn’t hide his excitement to go to her to teach kayaking and run whitewater for six weeks. As he drove away with his kayaks strapped to the top of his truck, I felt my needy little self clinging to my legs. I pulled her into my lap as I sat in meditation. We did lots of yoga together.  We wrote.

 I ended up with a 250-page mostly erotic, somewhat spiritual memoir.

And I figured out how to be alone in love.

And this week, while my man is getting off on the Colorado River, I am remembering.

I am remembering how sexy it feels to slide fully back into my own skin.

Sexy Link:

Check out the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. It’s a great place to have a romantic rendezvous with yourself.

Feel free to share in the comments any books or retreats centers that have helped you tap into your sensual self. 
2/23/2012 02:31:03 am

Any thoughts on why this relationship dynamic happens?..."the more I expressed my needs, the more he shut down."

If there's anything I would like in my future relationship it is where we can both express our needs without the other shutting down. In the meantime, I am going to have an amazing love affair with myself. ;)

I've been holding back writing about this self-love affair with myself on my own blog for some unknown reason. Yet today I am feeling more open to share this journey with my readers.

Thank you for this post~

2/23/2012 03:38:35 am

I can only answer from my own experience, but that relationship dynamic had a lot to do with the way my needy little self expressed herself. She is very young afterall, like a demanding five year old. It was all his fault. So of course, he shut down.

Now that I've learned, through yoga and meditation, to pick her up on my own, I don't feel as needy. Also, it helps tremendously that my man and I have similar needs.

When I need to express myself now, I try to wait until I am able to frame it in some awareness of my own issues and not point the finger at my partner as the one who is lacking.

I highly recommend John Welwood's books on conscious relationships for an eloquent take on all of this. Journey of the Heart and Love and Awakening are my favorites.

And please post the link to your beautiful blog so we can all come visit you there and witness your fabulous affair.


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